Decatur Mom reader, Steve, recently wrote in to gain my help in spreading the word about a revolution in the child birthday circuit – “Operation No Goody Bags” – aptly named by writer, Amanda Green, of StarNewsOnline.com.
If you’re a parent, chances are you have either been on the giving or receiving end of these “treasure” sacks that are distributed to every child that attends a birthday party. It all seems so harmless on the surface. Children come to birthday parties, sometimes bearing gifts, so you send them away with something special as well. Though I have to admit that I have given away goody bags in the past, I am now ready to put down the candy and join the no goody bag revolution.
What is it really teaching children when they nearly expect to receive a gift when they go to celebrate someone else’s birthday? And what does it teach a child about the importance of his or her birthday? Amanda Green in her article titled “Take-home Tempest” writes,
Across the country, moms are joining blogs to discuss this hot topic. In a recent posting on the Silicon Valley Moms Blog, one mom expounds that goody bags are “a startling realization about materialism and our children.
Before Steve brought to my attention that there was revolution brewing, my husband and I both experienced what I will refer to as goody bag breakdowns on separate occasions. Three weeks ago we traveled quite a long way to celebrate the birthday of a son of good friends that we have not seen in a while. As it turned out, the most unfortunate part about the travel was not the price of gas but that I had to listen to my husband lament the whole goody bad tradition on the entire drive back home…”useless, sad, wasteful” are the words I remember hearing over and over again. Luckily, the kids had fallen asleep and so they missed their father’s goody bag breakdown. I just nodded in agreement. I had my goody bag breakdown a couple of months earlier…
It happened during my normal cleaning routine, I went to wipe off a table to remove crayon markings with my normal wet, soapy cloth. You see, I have special place in my heart for washable crayons because I can observe the beauty of my children’s artistic creations for a while. Then, I can wipe them away….but not this time. AHHHHH!!!! Who brought permanent crayons into this house? No, how dare someone bring permanent crayons into this house? We checked through our arts and crafts stash…nope, all washable. Then, it hit me, they came from the goody bag we received at a birthday party we attended the day before. Oh, come on! I threw away all of the choking hazards in that goody bag and all that was left was the crayons.
Alas, no matter how hard I try, permanent crayons, disposable toys, and all sorts of candy will continue to find their way into my home. Perhaps there is no way to put an end to that madness. But, the big picture questions are; Why does this have to be a part of the child birthday party tradition? How can we as parents put the focus back on the birthday girl or boy, and minimize materialism? And how we can resist the urge to send every child away from a birthday celebration with goodies of their own?
I don’t have all of the answers, but I know that we’ve had some success with no gift parties. It took a while to find the right words to put in the invitations but then a friend gave me the phrase, “the gift of your presence is all that is needed.” I thought it was respectful and to-the-point but it caught some people off guard. I was cornered by a 4-year old at my daughter’s school after the invitations went out, “I’m excited to come to her party but why doesn’t she want any presents?” “Ummm, she will get a gift from her family, but she just wants her friends to come and celebrate her special day, ” I replied. “Well, at my birthday party I got big presents and everyone else got small presents.” “Very nice, indeed!” I replied.
I can see how this revolution is going to take some time.
18 responses so far ↓
dazey // August 18, 2008 at 2:00 pm |
Glad to hear there is a revolution brewing. I have given a few goody bags but our last two parties I didn’t: one I gave juice box holders (helpful for me in the cleaning and hopefully useful for a little while) and the other we gave books. I’m trying to work on the “no gifts” policy for the next birthday, but not sure if its going to fly with the birthday boy.
Kim // August 18, 2008 at 3:06 pm |
Thank you for the thoughtful essay and fun read! At the risk of being labeled a 6-ft tall sissy of a man, I will throw a couple of ideas at you to combat the goody bag virus …
I believe all thoughtful parents struggle with striking a balance between teaching their children to be generous by gift-giving while not becoming involved in the equivalent of an arms race in gift-giving. I think there is a great difference, and a great lesson available, when our children learn to give of themselves rather than simply being a substitute shopper for their friends while at Target or Toy’R'Us.
My son is only 2 but I’ve already prepared myself to teach him the difference in doing something for someone versus buying something for someone. My idea is that is if a child personally invests themselves in a gift, even if a token, then they truly experience “giving” versus “transferring” material.
I’m not saying we suspend gift-giving; I just like the idea of personal investment. Make a kite, build a bird feeder, make an origami piece and give it away … yes, little Johnny or Susie may struggle at first with the idea of giving away something they sweat over but, then again, that is my point.
As for being the host of a party, how about sending a mini-craft kit with the invite? I’m thinking of projects like a couple of Popsicle sticks, cotton balls, etc. and design themes/instructions to bring the resulting creation to the party to exhibit. Kids get to share the experience, brag, compare notes (maybe fight over a couple???) and take their creations home.
Thanks for sharing your experience with the world! Long live washable crayons! -Kim
Julie // August 18, 2008 at 8:27 pm |
I’m glad to hear there is a revolution going on. I think most goody bags are stupid, at least most that my two year old has received so far. Like your husband, wasteful and useless come to mind.
While I have given T a few of the things he received in the bags ( a toy lion he plays with, crayons [have to check if they are washable!!], play dough, bouncy balls, and a pencil) the majority have been brought in to work to leave in the break room, or I have eaten. I have been flabbergasted that a few of my son’s daycare friend’s parents have given lollipops, hard candy, fireballs, bubble gum and the like to an 18 month old, or now 25 month old. Doesn’t everyone get that stuff is a choking hazard? A recent bag included a plastic gun. While I am not 100% anti-gun, we have one in the house (disarmed and locked and out of reach), I was upset that a gun would be in the goody bag. It isn’t like in my childhood when I ate candy cigarettes…
Which speaking of, I decided that while I might do a few items in goody bags (we gave Kindermusik egg and rainbow shakers to the three children who came to my son’s first birthday), I am going to follow my upbringing when it comes to birthday parties. We always did a craft that was then sent home. Paper dolls, pet rocks, stuffed animal cats, were a few. My friends and I always had a good time – and isn’t that the main thing – to have fun?
Heather // August 20, 2008 at 12:35 pm |
I recently had my daughter’s 3rd birthday with no theme, no games and no goodie bags. You would have thought I’d deprived her of oxygen the way some friends reacted. The kids didn’t notice there was no goodie bags, only the adults did. The kids were too busy playing together to notice. The revolution has to start somewhere!
stacy reno // August 20, 2008 at 1:13 pm |
I was appalled at my daughter’s last birthday party when a child demanded her goody bag and then complained about the contents.
I do have to say, that parents have a hard time w/the “no gift” party because no matter what you say, some people always bring a gift & the people who didn’t feel bad.
jalyn // August 21, 2008 at 11:20 am |
Here, here! I have always thought those goody bags were wasteful and annoying. Yes, I have succumbed to the trend on an occasion or two, but always reluctantly. The focus should definitely be turned back to the celebration of a child’s birthday with friends and family.
Lindsey // August 21, 2008 at 2:03 pm |
I see nothing wrong with goody bags. It is a way for the child to say thank you for attending my party. Most people are just cheap and therefore think that having goody bags are wasteful and useless. I believe that every piece of content of the bag has to be age appropriate but I defenanly believe that they are a party “must have”.
Slimster // August 21, 2008 at 2:41 pm |
Oh, wow. I didn’t even know there was such a tradition! We just sent out invitations for my daughter’s first birthday. Something tells me birthday #2 is going to be much more complicated.
Slimster // August 21, 2008 at 3:36 pm |
Apparently my wife is more in tune with the revolution. Here is the how she addressed the toys:
“NO GIFTS! Just bring yourself. Kids are welcome, of course.”
Jennifer // August 22, 2008 at 12:33 am |
Hopefully we can all respect each other’s individual preferences. I love parties and have a tendency to go overboard in all ways. After many birthday parties for and attended by my two boys, I have learned some things. I need to try to contain myself…sometimes less really is more. A tough one for me (the knight party involved balloon swords, costumes, shield decorating, a castle bouncy, goody bags etc. etc.) Goody bags are really wasteful and useless. My kids don’t play with most of the toys, they are expensive to buy, there are many perils related to politically correct theming, sugar bans, choking hazards, peanut allergies etc. and they reinforce the worst of our materialistic and throw away culture. That being said, kids do expect to take something home and my kids REALLY want gifts. I hate to use a birthday as a time to teach/punish. So, some solutions that work for a slightly over the top, yet environmentally conscious mama and her greedy little boys: An environmentally themed party. Suggested gifts are garden themed. Each child “planted” a marigold into a dollar store pot and brought it home. All snacks were fruit and veggie oriented. Yes, the cake did have sugar. The book theme party was great for one son, would have been horrible for the other. Instead of goody bags we do crafts to take home (as previous poster suggested.) At the Medieval Party the kids decorated cardboard shields and took them home. I did not need a goody bag. I am thinking of a “magic” themed party and can teach each child a magic trick they can take home. The “parts” are a brown recyclable bag and a quarter. Tye Dye party. Everyone takes home a tie dye shirt. These are just a few ideas I have used. I am sure to some I am still excessive, but remember some of us get true joy from planning a celebration. I would love to hear about any other non-wasteful, environmentally friendly ideas from others! Viva la Goody Bag Revolution!
decaturmom // August 22, 2008 at 2:49 am |
Thanks to everyone for your thought-provoking comments. I have learned a lot from reading all of this feedback, for and against goody bags and take-homes of all types. If I dare try to summarize, it seems that the prevailing question is not whether or what children take home from other’s birthday parties but how to make gift-giving more meaningful? And I think that we’ve heard some great ideas such as letting children make their own take homes using arts and crafts. Another idea is to let your child make the take homes for their guests. It is quite special to see a child who is excited to give. And that is something that should be nurtured, in my opinion.
Good luck to those with birthday parties coming up soon! Be strong! And I guess you know where to turn for support
Sir911 // August 26, 2008 at 5:54 pm |
This was a great post to read. I’m glad to know that I am not the only one who requested “No gifts please” for a child’s birthday, and thinks goody bags are wasteful. I know most guests will not pay heed my request of no gifts. I am just going to donate all those gifts (baby’s birthday is next week). Would it be rude for me to tell guests or make note on the invitaiton that any gifts recieved will be donated?
Jennifer // September 5, 2008 at 3:57 am |
My son was once invited to a party where he was told that he could bring a book which would be donated to needy children. I thought that was very nice. I think I might feel offended if I was told “no gifts, if you bring one it will be donated.” Perhaps all in the way it is presented(no pun intended.)
Molly // September 6, 2008 at 10:24 pm |
I’m rather glad to hear that this is a growing trend. As a kid, I never had birthday parties, and I suspected it was because we were the poorest of my friends and my parents couldn’t throw a big blowout with goodies and big cakes, but I loved going to parties! Crafts were always fun goodies, and I don’t ever remember caring about goodie bags. I also always made a present for my friend, which they either thought was cool or would pretend to.
Now that I’m a mom, I have thrown parties for my kids, and I hope they appreciate it. We don’t mind them getting gifts, because my husband and I can’t afford that much for them and what kid doesn’t want toys? Still, it’s disappointing to hear moms saying goodie bags are a “must” and that not having them makes you “cheap”- I hope I never invite one of those moms/kids to our parties! We quite simply can’t afford the things, and I don’t want our kids to feel bad because their parents are “poor”. Other than being expensive they really are useless, I mean, the kids are already going hoe with a fun experience and bellies full of cake and pizza (or healthy alternative).
kelly // October 21, 2008 at 9:50 pm |
I thought birthdays were supposed to be our “special day”. After all, we each have one. When everyone expects to receive something, no matter how trivial, it takes the focus off the birthday girl/boy. An important lesson is being lost – that life is not all about “me”. Why is now wrong to teach kids to spend a day honoring a friend on his/her “special day” with no expectations?
Ivanna at http://www.snapparties.com // October 28, 2008 at 5:09 pm |
I agree that goody bags full of junk is wasteful and not necessary. But I do love the idea that the birthday child can give to their friends and family on their birthday. I think its usually expected that the birthday child receive but not the other way around. (I do write “Gifts not necessary” on my invitations, though) A token of gratitude for being a part of their life more then just coming to the party. I always let my children pass out the goody “toys” and they love doing it. Even at such a young age, they really want to see their friends receive items. That being said, we try to stay away from small items but one nice items. We will be doing a 3 Little Pigs Birthday party for my 1 yo son and we will be passing out pig noses and personalized piggy banks. I love to give and I’m teaching my children the same thing. Yes, giving to charity is wonderful but even giving to the people around us.
Shinna // January 3, 2009 at 7:12 pm |
Before my son’s last birthday party we had talked about how blessed we are to have all the things we have. His birthday happens to fall at the end of January, so he’d already received lots of gifts for Christmas. I just threw out to him that it might be a good idea to have people bring gifts we could donate to the homeless instead. I was surprised and happy when he wholeheartedly agreed. On our invites, we asked guests not to bring gifts, but if they wanted to bring something, they could bring a flannel blanket that would be donated. After my son’s birthday, we went to the nearest homeless shelter and dropped off the blankets. It was a good lesson, and I think knowing that he helped others out while still having a good time, was a great reward for him.
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